I met my late wife, Nicola, thanks to my passion for riding motorcycles and the socialising that comes with it. What started out as friendship turned into love in 2016. I was on a on my way to Cornwall as part of a “12 Provinces in 24 hours” sponsored motorcycle ride to raise funds for the Lifelites Charity. Nicola was tracking my progress, checking in with me along the way and encouraging me to keep riding. Our friendly banter over this trip then turned into a date which then blossomed into a relationship.

However, in 2017, Nicola started to experience health problems. These began with just balance and coordination issues which she put down to just being clumsy. In 2018, she was initially diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Her symptoms worsened gradually, so she was sent for further tests and trips back and forth to different consultants ending up at the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery.

We got married in August 2019. It was the hottest day of the year and we enjoyed a lovely small ceremony with just family and close friends. Nicola’s condition continued to get slowly worse; and she sadly was medically retired from her job in a primary school in September 2019.  She was finally diagnosed with Multiple Systems Atrophy in January 2020. This is an incurable disease that would affect her ability to walk or talk, and she would eventually become bedbound.

For us, Covid was a blessing in disguise. It enabled me not only to work from home, but also to care for Nicola. While we were at home together, we talked, laughed, cried, and spent a lot of time together. I was very lucky in that I have a good support network of friends and family. Trust me when I say: you really do find out who your friends are when you’re up against it and I have some diamonds.

I had regular contact with some of the Almoners via the phone and on Zoom calls - as did a lot of Brethren during the height of the pandemic. My employer was exceptionally helpful as well, giving me the ability to stay at home post-Covid and continue to care for Nicola. The support I have had from colleagues and management has been humbling.

I have always been an active individual, training in martial arts from the age of 7 right up until the pandemic and, for me, I found that exercise was a great outlet as I could take out all my frustration and anger through exercise and come out refreshed. Nicola and I did as much as we could together: we had a lot of Zoom calls with our biker friends around the UK and overseas. I also took up cooking in a serious way. I made Nicola a different meal every day (under her supervision!) until I had exhausted all the recipes in my cookbook. This was something that I never knew I had in me until I did it. I have always liked cooking and I took it to another level to see her smile (or grimace as I did have a few disasters along the way!)

In December 2022, Nicola's condition deteriorated to the point that she was moved out of our house and into a residential care home and placed under palliative care. It was a beautiful care home in an old mansion house, set in 16 acres of farm and woodland. My colleagues would often see me join calls from the Orangery in the home, where they had set up a desk for me so I could work and be close to Nicola, too. Several of the Almoners and members of my units would call or visit and see if we needed any assistance; and one Lodge bought Nicola a TV and paid for her to have her hair and nails done every week. The money they spent was match-funded via the Metropolitan Almoners Fund; and I know that these little things really made a difference to her. We were both hugely appreciative of the kindness.

On 25th November 2023, my beautiful Nicola went to sleep, surrounded by friends and family; and while we reminisced about good times, she slipped away and picked up her angel’s wings.

I know that there are plenty of other carers out there who are in similar circumstances, looking after a loved one and holding down a job at the same time. Let me offer a little advice for the carers: don’t be too shy to let your friends and family know if you are struggling or may need a little help. There are lots of resources to which you have access; and the first port of call can be the Lodge or Chapter Almoner.

For me, being a Freemason and having that contact from an Almoner made all the difference. It’s not always the big gestures that matter but the odd phone call to see how you are keeping and the ability to call on help and guidance made all the difference.

My experience prompted me to give something back. I am now privileged to be an Assistant to the Metropolitan Grand Almoner. I wrote this article to raise the profile of the great work that Almoners can do, just by keeping in touch with Members who have been absent or are unwell themselves.

The Metropolitan Almoner’s Fund (MAF) is a funding initiative for which Lodges can apply and which will match, pound for pound, a donation that a Lodge makes to assist a member up to a maximum of £1500. It can make a real difference. The details of the MAF can be found in Rosetta – simply search for “MAF” and you will find there all the information on how to apply.

This article is part of the Arena Magazine, Issue 57 Spring 2025 edition.
Arena Magazine is the official magazine of the London Freemasons - Metropolitan Grand Lodge and Metropolitan Grand Chapter of London.

Read more articles in the Arena Issue 57 here.